Monday, January 26, 2009

Question of the Day #82

So last night, we had girls' night over at H & S's. We ate loads of food, drank wine and discussed everything from giving cooking classes to pole dancing.

Then we logged onto Facebook at gawked at pics of C's boyfriend's crazy long 80's hairdo. As we giggled and posted a silly message about him being prettier than we were in high school, I got a invitation to be "friends" with my ex.

Now, we've definitely debated the good, the bad and the ugly about F-book before. And it's not like I'm not on good terms with this ex, because I am. But after accepting his invitation, I clicked on to his page and saw that he was already friends with his other ex. You know, that ex. (We all have the one that scrambles us so badly that we still can't think straight.) And the cheery trail of messages they'd been typing back and forth popped up for the whole word to see.

And you know what? I don't want to see that.

So of course, the girls' night conversation immediately changed to whether or not it's possible to really be friends with your exes.

I used to think it was. I remained friends with G, my college boyfriend for years. Then he got married and really, what else was there to connect about? And if I ran into R or S, we'd be cordial, but would we go bowling from there? Probably not.

And as for my scrambler, I want to lob eggs at his car.

But I know people who do it. There are people who remain BFFs after long relationships. And on one hand, I get it, they must be great people if you were willing to invest so much in them. Why not remain friends? And on the other hand, aren't they exes for a reason?

So we girls of girls' night put it out to you, oh loyal readers, to friend or not to friend?



  1. i'm on great terms with most of my ex's, except for one, and i'm pretty sure that she still wants to kill me.

  2. Ha! Ha! Interesting since my friend Susan makes fun of me because I can talk to all of my exes. Not "want to" for most, but can. I don't know in a weird sort of warped way it makes me feel like there was some good that came out of it with no hard feelings(hopefully). There are only 2 exes right now whom I still communicate with because I love them dearly and so appreciate their my answer is as long as no one is getting hurt and there aren't any lines crossed then why not?

  3. On an acquaintance level, sure. As long as they haven't vowed never to communicate with you ever again.

  4. Ahhh, the facebook quandry of the ex. I think it depends on which ex. Was it a really long relationship or not...I am FB friends with ex's that were more guys I dated- not in a long relationship with. I'm not sure it is appropriate to see the every day life of your long term ex. Though I guess I would be curious to do so! My hubby is FB friends with a few girls that he dated, and that doesn't bother me. What would bother me is if he was FB friends with the psycho ex that cried when I showed her pics of our kids!

  5. Before FB I was pretty firmly in the No Way Jose camp. That doesn't mean that ex-boyfriends are my enemies. Just that it's weird to be friends with someone who I ditched or ditched me for a reason, who's seen me in compromising positions, who's likely seen me at my most pathetic. What in the world would we do post-relationship? Get together and talk about what we used to do? No thanks. But since FB has come onto the scene it’s a bit different. I give in to my stalker tendencies and try to find everyone from my past. I wanna know what I can find! Do they have an open account? Can I look through their pictures and wall posts without them knowing? Even private accounts usually let you snoop and see who their friends are…. anyone I know? That’s precisely why I put all my settings to private. I have been contacting old friends but when it comes to exes I don’t go past lurking. Now if they friend me, that’s another story. Curiosity wins out every time. So real life not so much, facebook heck yeah why not.

  6. I've always broken up on "good" terms meaning if we see each other we're genuinely happy to see one another and ask how are you and what have you been up to. Or a random email now & again to say "I'm getting married" or whatever. But in terms of hanging out after breaking - I have too many friends & social obligations the way it is so why continue to channel energy into that relationship? But then again I have zero romantic feelings towards any of my exes... so if someone still does then the situation is different. As a side note I used to be so anti-FB, and have gotten quasi-stalked by an ex since joining, but the pros far outweight the cons of FB and I'm now and addict. And yes, I do peer on ex-boyfriends' profiles and have friended quite a few. :-)

  7. Friend an ex? Sure. Most of them are a positive part of my life and have all helped shape the person I'm proud to be. Also, I think I've probably learned more from them than I can document. On the other hand... Friend the scrambler? Depends. "No" if the scrambler and/or I have made no attempt, or have no interest, to rectify the scrambling. But, "Yes" if the scrambler and I have resolved our issues and can still offer some mutual positivity to each other's lives... even if it's just an occaasional happy birthday wish or a catch-up on each other's lives, then yes... I befriend. Whether in real life or this virtual one, when it all comes down to it... I just listen to my heart and it points me in the right direction.

  8. For me it depends on the guy and the relationship we had.

    For those that I've remained friends with, there is always the expectation that the friendship will become distant over time.

  9. If your ex can add to your life, befriend away m'dear! If he makes you go a little nutty, nix it.

  10. Damn. I have no ex's. Is that bad?

  11. What's the point of remaining friends, unless you want to get back together and keep the door open? But then if you get married, it can cause problems of jealousy.

  12. I'm FB friends with a couple of exes, but I think doing that is a little different than a regular hang-out-all-the-time, call-when-you-need-cheering-up kind of friendship. I'm not opposed to that with an ex. It happened once, but then I moved and we just drifted apart.


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